“So what are you doing the rest of this weekend?” My friend Bonnie asked us at her birthday party on Saturday.
A few of her guests offered up answers as I sat there wondering if I should say “I’m going to Planned Parenthood to pray tomorrow.”
I stayed silent.
On Sunday, my church had a luncheon I attended. I sat with two members of my Sunday School class and at one point, one of them asked, “So what do y’all have going on the rest of today?”
Again, I was struck silent. Scared.
The other girl started talking about what she was doing that day and so the conversation swang that way.
Later that afternoon as I drove to Planned Parenthood for my first 40 Days For Life shift, I thought back over those two questions and my fear.
I know the root of my silence: I’m afraid to admit out loud to people I know in real life that I’ve actively joined the pro-life movement.
I’m afraid the person I’d be talking to would turn out to be pro-choice and then no longer be my friend. But more than that, I’m afraid that whoever I’m talking to would have had a secret abortion in her past and I don’t want to bring up past wounds. I don’t want to offend.
And so as I stood there, facing the road by Planned Parenthood, I felt ashamed of my fear. A gust of wind blew the “Pray to end abortion” sign I was holding the air and I gripped it tightly. Why is it that I feel comfortable writing about pro-life things on my blog but freeze up whenever I try to talk about it in real life?
I think it’s because here, on the internet, the risk is low. If someone leaves a nasty comment, sure that will sting, but it will sting much less than if someone I knew in real life said the same comment.
But I don’t know what to do about the fear that someone I know has secretly had an abortion and something I say (or even just my involvement in the pro-life movement) would deeply hurt them.
And I don’t want that.
So, here I sit on this early morning, typing before I have to get ready to go teach. Here I sit, confessing my fears to the internet world.
God, help me be brave!
