I found out in July that I would be student teaching at the same school my mom works at.
The day I found out, I made the mistake of declaring in front of the pre-teen girls I nanny for, “It might be confusing having two teachers with the same last name at one school. I need to get married soon so I’ll have a new last name.”
To which the eldest girl gasped, clasped her hands together and squealed! “What’s Caleb’s number?? I’m gonna text him right now!”
And I had to immediately backpedal and assure her that no, I did not really want to get married before school started in August. LOL!
That’s my personal favorite story of a time when I got asked about when Caleb (my boyfriend) and I will be getting married. And believe me, there are quite a few stories on that list! :)
Over the past few months, I’ve averaged one such question per week.
These questions have come in different formats…
“Who do you think will get married next: you or this-other-person?”
“Isn’t this a pretty wedding? When will it be your turn?”
“Have you and your boyfriend discussed the ‘M-Word’ recently?”
…but the gist behind them is always the same: “When are you getting married?”
One night in February, my friend (Bonnie) and I were talking about Caleb and my relationship. During that conversation, she asked me, “Do you think you want to marry him?” I paused for a second, gathering my thoughts, and then shared with her my personal thoughts on that very topic that I had been pondering the past few weeks.
That conversation with Bonnie came back to my mind after the next “When are you going to get married” question came my way. I realized that while each time I was asked: “When are you going to get married?” I left the conversation feeling flustered, frustrated, or annoyed. Whereas, when Bonnie asked me, “Do you want to marry him?” I left the conversation feeling heard, understood, and at peace.
Why was that? I wondered.
And then it hit me: The question “Do you want to marry him?” is simply the better question.
This is why…
“When are you getting married?” assumes that we’re getting married.
Personally, I have no earthly idea when Caleb and I are getting married. This is because I don’t know if we’re getting married! I’d much rather work out if I want to marry him or not before I go about setting hypothetical wedding dates just to appease someone else!
I don’t know yet if Caleb and I will be getting married. I don’t even know if that’s God’s plan for us.
That’s why I don’t like this question so much. It assumes that Caleb and I are getting married. We’ve been dating almost a year and a half and were best friends for years before we started dating, and so I think most people do assume that because of that, we’re going to get married.
The thing is though, I don’t want to assume that he and I are getting married. I don’t want to mentally plan our wedding before we even get engaged. And as someone who has had a “Wedding” Pinterest board since she was 16, this is already a struggle without being asked “When are you getting married?” on a regular basis.
“Do you want to marry him?” makes me think about if I want to marry him.
Obviously. ;)
Instead of assuming that Caleb and I are getting married, this question challenges me to wonder if I even want to marry him.
I don’t want to ever date someone I could never, ever see myself marrying as I believe that the purpose of dating is to determine if you should marry someone or not.
In Tracy Levinson’s book, Unashamed, she gives three ways we can know if we’ve found “the one.” One of these ways was to ask ourselves if we even want to get married.
“When will you get married?” causes me to assume a wedding date is in our future, whereas “Do you want to marry him?” causes me to think about if I actually want to marry him.
“When are you getting married?” tempts me to be discontent.
This question leads me to wonder when Caleb and I would hypothetically be able to get married. It causes me to set expectations like, “He could propose around this time, we could be engaged for this length of time, and then get married in June of 20–.” (I really want to get married in June LOL.)
This is where I preach to myself, “Kara, if there is one thing you learned while single, it’s that setting expectations on when hypothetical things will happen only leads to disappointment and discontentment.”
I want to be content with our relationship as is. The following is from the post I wrote entitled, How To Be Content While Dating:
I struggled with contentment when I was single. Once my boyfriend and I started dating, I was determined to use what I learned about contentment when single and apply it to our dating relationship.
So, I determined I would enjoy dating him as much as possible. I knew that our dating would eventually end- either we would break up or we would get married. Regardless, I will not be dating my boyfriend forever!
So why would I want to spoil this moment now by being discontent in my relationship with him? I don’t want to be constantly rushing ahead and wondering if he and I will get married. I’d rather sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. :)
I don’t want to set up these imaginary timelines! I don’t want to run ahead of things or rush our relationship! You see, I want to fully enjoy this dating season.
“Do you want to marry him?” challenges me to evaluate our relationship.
Instead of leading me to daydream about a potential wedding, this question causes me to look at our relationship critically.
It forces me to look at Caleb’s character and ask myself if he’s someone I could see myself with for the rest of our lives. It makes me look at how we interact with each other and try to determine if I could see us together forever.
“When are you getting married?” causes me to doubt our relationship.
Over the past four years that Caleb and I have known we liked each other, we have discussed us actually getting married once- a year before we started dating. If you’ve been keeping up with our crazy timeline { ;) }, that conversation happened two years ago.
While we’ve been dating, we’ve shared funny stories about people asking us when we’re getting married, but we haven’t actually had the “Do we want to get married?” conversation.
Strangely enough, I’m okay with this. When I was 15, I thought dating had to look a certain way and that it 100% had to lead to marriage and that every. single. conversation I had with my future boyfriend had to be about something pertaining to marriage.
Now I know better. That’s only one part of dating.
I like this stage of our relationship that Caleb and I are in. We’re learning more and more about each other, going on adventures, and sharing stories about our lives. If I had to put a label on it, I would say we are “casually dating with a purpose.”
Is that even a thing?
I guess so because that’s what we’re doing- dating casually while at the same time casually and privately trying to decide if we could see ourselves getting married.
Someday, maybe, we’ll move into “serious dating,” where our conversations turn towards marriage and the topics surrounding it. Until then, I’m going to keep striving to be content where we are :)
But when people ask me, “When will you get married?” it makes me wonder if maybe he and I are doing dating wrong.
It makes me question and over-analyze everything. Thinking things like, “Should we be talking about marriage right now?”, or, “Oh my goodness, we haven’t even discussed when we’re getting married! How do I answer this question? #Awkward…”.
“When will you get married?” stresses me out, whereas…
“Do you want to marry him?” strangely gives me peace.
After the above-mentioned five-minute debate with myself, I remember at last that not every dating relationship looks the same. I remember that it’s okay not to know if you for sure want to marry the guy you’re dating. (However, I 100% think you should never date a guy you could not ever see yourself marrying.)
And then I start to relax again.
I feel like “Do you want to marry him?” enables me to answer honestly and give my present thought about it. It gives me the freedom to say, “Sometimes.” or “I honestly don’t know yet, but I’m excited to keep learning about him and for us to grow closer together!” or “We’ll see!”
When I’m asked “When will you get married?”, I feel pressured to give a set date or a timeline. I’m sure it’s not the other person’s intent to pressure me to somehow know my future, but that’s how I feel.
Those are all the reasons why I prefer the question “Do you want to marry him?”
“Do you want to marry him?” gives me a peace about Caleb and my relationship. It helps me critically evaluate our relationship and actually think about if I want to marry him.
On the other hand, “When will you get married?” causes me to rush ahead in our relationship, assume I will marry him when that may not be God’s plan, and doubt our relationship.
If you have a friend who is in a relationship and if you ever feel tempted to ask her when she and her boyfriend are going to get married, I challenge you to tweak your question and ask her if she thinks she wants to marry him. :)
