Should you be friends before you date someone?
I don’t think there’s a black and white answer to this question.
To prove this point, I have several friends who got married last year. A few of them had been friends with their spouse for a while before they started dating. Others didn’t really know their spouse before their first date.
I say this to show I recognize that there is more than one way of doing things.
A while ago, I polled my Instagram followers to see what they thought on this whole “friends before dating?” thing.
The average answer was somewhere between “Sometimes” and “Always.”
So, solely based upon this highly reliable Instagram poll (😉), I think it’s safe to say that most people prefer to be friends before they date if possible, but they wouldn’t mind going out with a stranger if the situation presented itself.
I definitely find myself leaning towards the “friends-first” side of the spectrum.
My boyfriend, Caleb, and I were friends for years before we started dating. I personally love the fact that we had been close friends long before he asked me out.
Since this is the only relationship I’ve ever been in, I don’t really know anything different. However, I definitely recommend being friends with a guy before you date him for a few reasons.
Before we dive in though, I recorded a podcast with a BONUS reason why I loved being friends first, so if you’d like to listen to that podcast you can here or by using the player below. :)
3 Reasons Why You Should Be Friends Before You Date
1. Past Memories
When you’re friends before you date someone, you have past memories to build on as you begin your relationship.
You’ve already spent time together and you have those experiences as a type of foundation as you move forward.
I love it when Caleb and I are able to say “Remember when…?” and then launch into a memory of us from years ago. It’s so fun!
2. You Know Each Other Already
By being friends before you date, you already know so much about each other.
You know when their birthday is, what they like to do for fun, and if you have common interests.
When you’re friends before you date, you know if your personalities clash or not. You know if you genuinely like hanging out with the other person. When you’re in the friends-stage, you don’t have to worry about impressing the other person. And you get to see them for who they truly are in a variety of circumstances.
For instance, Caleb and I attended the same high school and the same church growing up, so I got to know him in a variety of contexts. Classes at school, the lunchroom, youth group, youth camp, service projects… all of these places allowed me to see who he was around different people and in different situations.
3. You Can’t Fake Who You Are
Someone could fake who they are at the start of a dating relationship. You know, pretend to like certain things just because they think the other person likes those things.
The movie 27 Dresses is a great example of this. In that movie, one girl told the guy she was dating that she was vegetarian (she wasn’t) just because she found out he was. She pretended to like outdoorsy things like hiking because he loved those things… even though she really hated such activities.
Their relationship worked out fine for a little bit, but it was founded on lies. It couldn’t last forever; eventually, the girl would tire of keeping up an act.
People can fake who they really are for a few weeks or months. But they can’t fake who they are for years. By being friends before you date someone, you’ll know their true personality and character.
I don’t have to wonder about Caleb’s character. I truly know he’s a great guy. Since I’ve known him for years, before we started dating I had lots of examples to prove how great he is. I’d seen him give his jacket to girls when they were cold. I’d seen him interact with children through Vacation Bible Schools and AWANA at church.
These situations showed me what an awesome guy Caleb is and they’re the reason why I started liking him in the first place. When he and I started dating, I knew that he was a truly awesome guy with great character.
And I’ve never felt like I have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I knew he accepted me for who I was when we were just friends and I know he accepts me for who I am now as well.
The Opposite Perspective:
I’m about to do the thing that you’re never supposed to do when writing an English essay: Bring in new information in the conclusion. And even worse than that- I’m going to point out the pros for the opposite “side” than I was arguing for in this post… the possibility of NOT being friends before you date.
Thank goodness this isn’t an English essay… 😅
I am very grateful Caleb and I were friends before we dated. Don’t get me wrong!
But all of the reasons why I’m glad before we started dating can also become true for people who start dating an acquaintance. You’ll gain memories as you date and you’ll get to know them over time. The process of getting to know them will take longer, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
As I said at the beginning of this post- not everyone ends up dating their best guy friend. Or even a good friend. I don’t think we should be super legalistic about this, saying things like, “I’ll only date a guy if I’m good friends with him first!”
That’s really limiting our prospects!
Sometimes, you’ll have only met the guy once or twice before you go on your first date. (That’s what happened to my first college roommate- a stranger randomly asked her out and they’ve been married for over two years now!)
I don’t have any experience with going on a date with someone I didn’t already know well. So to bring in another perspective, I encourage you to read this really great blog post by Stephanie May Wilson about why singles should go on more first dates. I love her thoughts on this!
Moral of the story-
Being friends before you date is awesome. But if a guy asks you out that you’ve only met a couple of times (and he doesn’t seem sketchy), there’s nothing wrong with saying yes.
I’m curious to know your thoughts: Do you think people should be friends before they date or does that not matter?
If you’re dating (or married)- were y’all friends before you started dating, or just acquaintances? Share your story in the comments!
Let’s be Instagram friends! @joybecausegrace
