I had an encounter this past Saturday. that made me remember how weird Caleb and I are because we don’t live together.
He and I found our wedding bands on Saturday! As I bought Caleb’s ring, I had to tell the attendant my billing address. When it was his turn, she asked, “Same address?”
He said, “No,” and started telling her his address.
Then the lady looked at us, surprised, “Y’all have been together practically forever and you still don’t live together?” (She had asked us for our story while we looked at rings.)
“…No,” we shrugged.
You see, we’re waiting to live together until we get married.
The majority of my friends are Christians who share this view about waiting to live together until you get married, so I often forget that the rest of the world doesn’t operate this way.
Today, I want to share why Caleb and I are waiting to live together.
1. We don’t live together to fight temptation to sin.
Nowhere in the Bible does it say that living with your boyfriend/girlfriend is a sin. However, it DOES say that sex before marriage is a sin.
Caleb and I want to do all that we can to follow after God and His design for sex. We both know that if we lived together it would be very hard to fight the temptation to have sex before we married each other.
It’s a clear boundary to have set.
I currently live with a friend from college and she’s here in our tiny apartment during the evenings if Caleb and I are hanging out at my apartment. Having her here is another form of accountability for us.
A quick note to the Christian about premarital sex- In Christian circles, there is a rumor that if you have sex before you get married you have lost your purity. I disagree with that sentiment. Your virginity is not the same as your purity, and you can read more about that in this post.
2. We don’t live together to protect our witness.
In other words, to set an example.
A minute before the store attendant was surprised that Caleb and I don’t live together, he told her that he works at a church. Even with that knowledge, she was still surprised that we don’t live together.
I think that’s because our culture is so accustomed to people living together when they’re dating or engaged that it’s now weird not to do so! Even if that couple is a Christian couple.
A month ago, Caleb and I were looking for a house to buy to move into after we got married. I was ranting to a coworker about how hard the house-hunting process was.
She said, “Yeah, I remember my sister and her fiancé moved in together when they were engaged for that reason- they had a hard time finding a place to live so when they found one they just moved in together. My sister says they waited until marriage, and I have no reason to doubt her, but I can’t imagine how hard that would be to live together and still wait!”
I’m glad she added that comment to our conversation. It really made me think about how people just assume that if a couple is living together they’re doing ALL the married-people things together, even if they’re like my friend’s sister and are waiting.
And because of that, I don’t want anyone having those same conclusions about Caleb and me.
Especially since he works at the youth group at church and I work at a Christian high school. We are leaders in our Christian communities.
A year ago, I was helping out at a youth event with Caleb. At one point I mentioned something about my roommate. One of Caleb’s freshmen boys said, “Ooooh, Caleb she’s cheating on you!”
Caleb was like, “…What?”
“She’s living with someone else!” the boy explained.
“We don’t live together,” we replied.
“Oh,” he said. “Why not?”
And then we were able to explain our desire to wait to have sex until we get married.
James 3:1 says, “Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly” (NIV).
If were to live together before we got married, people would naturally assume that we’re having sex. Then it would seem like we think that having sex before you get married is okay. It’s not that we fear “judgment” from these people- that’s just not an example we want to set.
Having sex before you get married is a big deal, yet our culture screams that it’s no big deal. Not only that, our culture declares that having premarital sex is good and normal.
Side note: James goes on to say in verse two, “We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check” (NIV). So I’m not trying to say that Caleb and I are perfect leaders because we’re waiting. We have to be careful about the example we’re setting in ALL areas of our lives, not just this one.
3. We don’t live together because the decision to get married is different than choosing a roommate.
I first heard this reasoning on a Stephanie May Wilson podcast episode.
Basically, choosing to marry Caleb is a far greater decision than choosing a roommate.
My roommate and I are living in an apartment together to save money and so we have someone to live with. I lived at home with my parents for the first year after college so I could save money and pay off student loans. But after that year I was so ready to be back on my own again!
My roommate texted me to see if I wanted to live with her and I agreed.
Now imagine some common reasons why dating couples might choose to live together before they get married:
- It saves money- only have to pay one rent.
- You get to see all the “quirks” that someone has so you can know what you’re “getting into” when you marry them.
- It allows you to have a “test run” of marriage.
- It’s the “next step” between dating and engagement.
Let me address those reasons:
Living with someone to save money is the reason why you get a roommate- not why you choose to marry someone. Let’s say a couple moves in together to save money. Now they’re able to see each other all the time and “play marriage.” Why on earth would they actually want to marry, other than a tax break?
It cheapens marriage.
I’m marrying Caleb for so much more than saving money on rent. I’m marrying him because I love him and I think he’s an amazing, godly guy who I want to spend the rest of my life with. So much prayer and thought went into the decision to marry him because marriage is permanent. A roommate is not, and so needs less prayer and thought (although you of course should still pray before deciding to get a roommate).
And frankly, I don’t need to live with Caleb first to know that I want to marry him.
He already does some things that annoy me- like not putting down the toilet seat cover in my bathroom. That annoyance would NOT keep me from marrying him LOL! I don’t need to know if he leaves his toothpaste cap off so the toothpaste gets messy or if he leaves socks out everywhere like the cliqué says guys do. Regardless of whatever quirks I discover he has, I want to marry him.
I don’t need to have a “test run” of marriage. I just want the real thing!
Why does there need to be another “step” between dating and engagement?
Why not just get engaged? For us it’s pretty simple: Caleb and I want to spend the rest of our lives together and live together, so we got engaged and we’re getting married three months after that.
Like I said above, I don’t think living with your boyfriend before you get married is a sin.
However, I don’t think it’s wise. And if you were going to ask for my honest opinion, I’d tell you to wait to live with your boyfriend until after you got married.
If this blog post offends you, that’s okay :) We can still be friends even if we disagree. I hope it gave you something to think about though, and offered an alternate view on this topic than you hear about on TV shows.
Want to chat more about boundaries in Christian relationships? Check out this post!
Let’s be Instagram friends! @kara_beth17
