How to Handle a Tough Roommate Situation in College

I lived with a total of four different girls throughout my college career and was blessed to have an awesome living situation every time. However, I know that not everyone is as lucky as me and have to face tough roommate situations.

My final college roommate, Bonnie, has had some, well, hard-living situations and so I asked if she’d be willing to write about her hard roommates and share any advice she has learned with you.

So this post is written by her! :) I hope that if you are facing a tough roommate you’ll be able to utilize some of Bonnie’s tips and that you’ll be encouraged by the things she shares in this post.

Bonnie and I outside of our dorm room

So you have a tough roommate?

I’ve been there. So many other people have been there. If this is your situation right now, take comfort in the fact you are not alone.

In my four years of college, I lived with six different roommates; three of those roommates were honestly tough living situations (some more than others) for various reasons I’ll explain later.

But I don’t regret any of those experiences. God put them there for a reason, and He has you with your roommate for a reason, too. Maybe He’s trying to grow you in patience, or teach you how to compromise, or how to clearly communicate your expectations with another person. Maybe He wants to get your attention and is trying to bring you closer to Him so that you can see His goodness and faithfulness through that valley you’re walking through.

For me, the roommates I had in college were huge assets in helping me transform my faith!

So if you are in a tough roommate situation, do not be discouraged. God has a purpose behind everything you’re going through, and I promise He’s gonna bring you out on the other side stronger and better off than you were before. That’s what He did for me.

Like in all situations, there are many ways to handle a tough roommate. Before I get into some methods of coping I used to help me through those sticky situations in college, here’s a brief rundown on the three tough roommates I had:

The roommate who didn’t talk to me for almost the entire semester.

It’s a long story, but we were friends and then we weren’t friends. When I stopped being friends with our mutual friends (lots of freshman girl drama), she didn’t want anything to do with me. It was way too awkward for me to be there and live in silence, and so I ran and avoided the room as much as possible.

The roommate who didn’t know a balance when it came to talking.

She could talk and would talk, sometimes for hours. I’m not kidding. Anytime I was in the room with her or around her she would talk, and talk, and talk. I love meaningful conversations, but with this roommate, it was purely one-sided, all day, every day. I’d ask, “how was your day?” and she would go into long rants or stories about the kids she student taught, and I’d check the clock and it would be twenty-six minutes before I realized she never asked how my day was.

She talked endlessly about herself but tuned out when it came to other people. If she’d ask, “how was your day?” or “how did this or that thing go?”, I’d get a sentence or two out before she turned the conversation back to herself, for another long rant or story. It was exhausting. I never felt heard or seen with her.

Also, so many times I didn’t have time to stop and talk. I worked two jobs on top of classes and was involved in several clubs on campus. A lot of times I’d come back just to grab this or that notebook before my next meeting, and would feel stuck trying to find a break in her speech to say, “I’m leaving now!”

The roommate who had issues with herself (insecurity, loneliness, depression, poor self-image, etc) that became my issues.

In other words, she used me as a mirror; she compared herself to me so much, that my successes made her feel bad about herself. I was at the end of my college journey, a senior and head RA of the freshman building when she started as a freshman.

That alone made her feel weird living with me, and she kept saying that she felt lonely being with a senior and not another freshman. I tried to reassure her that I was there to help her and because I wanted to serve freshman, but I could tell it really bothered her. We were in two totally different seasons of college, so it was unfair to make comparisons. My freshman year wasn’t easy! It took time to find my friends and get established on campus.

When I said I was having a bad day she said, “that actually makes me feel better about myself. It makes you look more human.”

And, I was a HUGE subject to her. I was mentioned in almost every conversation I overheard her having: on the phone with her parents, or with her boyfriend, or in the lobby with other girls in the dorm.

In a nutshell, I felt I couldn’t share my highlights with her, and couldn’t share my lows with her, and everything I did became known to lots of people, and I felt sad being around her because she felt sad…so I didn’t want to be in the room very much.

How did I handle them? How can you? Here are some options:

1. Avoid and run away.

Not going to lie, I used this on all three of my bad roommate situations. I simply made my room a place to shower, sleep, get dressed for the day, and come back to grab textbooks here and there, and that was it. I intentionally barely spent any time in my room. If I knew when my roommate would be in class or at work, I’d use those times to come back to get anything I needed before taking off again.

The pros of this method: It forces you to get out of your room!

Getting out of my room pushed me to join clubs, find people in my classes to study with, and find other people’s rooms to spend time in. I found my best friends and made the best memories from the days I spent escaping my room. I got more out of college because I chose not to spend it sitting in my dorm room.

God used those roommates to grow me, make me more social, and get me out of my comfort zone.

The cons of this method: Your roommate gets to feel at home in the room, but you don’t.

This doesn’t resolve any issues, and you don’t get to have that privacy of being in your dorm or having friends over like you may want to have.

I get that some people are homebodies and want their dorm room to feel like a safe place to retreat and rest during the free time in college, and if that’s you, this may not be the best solution. But for me, this method really helped me get through those rocky living situations.

The main issue I had with this is feeling tired, and not feeling comfortable enough to come back to take naps or go to sleep if I knew my roommate would be awake when I got there (I’d always wait to come back when I knew she’d be asleep each night). Because you can’t take naps anywhere else but your room!

I mean, you could, but it would be too weird for me…

2. Wait it out and make the most of it.

Before you say anything to your roommate about what’s bothering you, before you complain about your roommate to other people, and before you take any action, wait. Ask yourself, “how big is this issue, really? Can I still live with this?” Give your roommate grace and time, and be in prayer about the things that bother you.

With my freshman year roommate, I planned to move out at the end of the semester. With my extremely talkative roommate, I knew she would leave when she graduated. There were set end dates with each one. I had a mental countdown freshman year, and I’d say, “one more month!” to my mom and get excited about it. Sometimes you just have to wait it out. Try to see the good and make the most of your situation. The semester will fly by, and college will fly by before you know it.

3. Talk it out.

If you’ve decided you can’t take any more of how the TV noise bothers you when you’re trying to sleep or how your roommate doesn’t take the trash out, start with a simple conversation. It doesn’t have to be a big, serious conversation, but just a, “Hey! Would you mind turning the TV down at night? I would really appreciate it because I have 8 AMs” is extremely helpful.

With my extremely talkative roommate, I finally had to say, “I like listening to your days, I really do. But I feel like I don’t get to share how I’m doing with you, and I want you to listen to me, too. Right now it doesn’t feel like a two-way friendship.” Key tips: saying “I feel” words is a much better approach than “you do/ don’t do this.”

Also, pray over your words and really choose them carefully! If you’re feeling angry with your roommate, take some time to cool down before talking to them.

4. Seek help.

It’s good to have someone to talk to. The best people to go to? I’d start with my family and in prayer, and if it gets worse, then I’d find people on campus. As a freshman, I went to my RA, and as an RA, I went to my boss.

But, be careful who you talk to/ how much you talk about it. It’s OK to share with your close friends that you’re having tough roommate issues. However, don’t dwell on that or make it everyone’s problem.

5. Pray, pray, pray!

Pray for wisdom in how to handle your roommate, pray for your roommate, and pray to see her the way God sees her. Vent to God your frustrations and give Him thanks for what He’s doing.

God is a good listener. He spoke through me so much with each of my roommates!

With my first roommate, He first spoke to me His calling for my time in college. He said, “I want you to be an RA.”

With my second tough roommate, He said, “I know she upsets you. But you need to be thankful.”

And with the last tough roommate, He said the verse in John 13:7 back to me, “You don’t know what I’m doing, but later you will understand.”

Seek to find God in your circumstance, and look to Him to guide you through it. He has a purpose behind your season. Trust Him!

No matter what your situation is and how you deal with your tough roommate, keep in mind these truths:

1. This is short-term.

Roommate arrangements in college are not permanent. At my school, we had the option to change or keep the same roommate/ room each semester. If you seek help, you may even be allowed to switch mid-semester. It may feel like forever and ever at the moment, but college semesters fly by! College itself flew by, and now that time is gone, and I miss being there, even with the roommates I had.

2. The bad roommate experience is only as big of a deal as you make it to be.

Depending on your perception, you can let it steal your joy and ruin your semester/ college experience, or you can keep pushing forward and shift your focus elsewhere. The choice is yours. Your time in college is precious! You can never get those years back once they’re gone, and the difficult people you worry about may not even be in your life after you leave.

3. God does not waste anything.

The personalities you encounter in your roommates will appear in other places: your future coworkers, bosses, friends, etc. Maybe God is teaching you how to work with those with difficult personalities now, and how to get along with them and make the best of being around them in order to help you better work with them later in the future.

4. Strive for harmony first, and then friendship.

Just like in relationships, you can’t force friendships to happen. You don’t have to be BFFs with your college roommate. A lot of times freshman especially come in with that expectation, and are disappointed with it doesn’t work out like they hoped (I was one of them!).

Sometimes it’s better not to be best friends with your roommate, but simply to be cordial with them. The friendship will develop with time, or if it doesn’t, at least you can live in harmony with each other. The best mindset to enter a roommate situation is, “how can I live at peace with this person? We don’t have to do everything together or share the same circle of friends, but we do have to live together. How can I live peacefully with them?”

5. Roommates don’t (always) end after college.

After my six college roommates, I’m back to living with my parents at home, which is a whole new adjustment in itself. In the adult world, you may live with your parents again or live with another roommate or on your own. Maybe you’ll even get married. Then you will have a permanent roommate!

Unless you choose not to get married and to live alone forever, chances are extremely high you will have to live with someone again. These skills that you’re learning in college will stay with you in the long run and help you in the future.

Running away may seem like a great escape now, but it might be better to find ways to work through issues, so you’re better equipped to handle them in the future.

One last tip to wrap us up-

Ask yourself, “Am I a good roommate?”

Really reflect on how you are contributing to someone else’s living experience. Sometimes even the worst roommates have issues with you, too.

For example, my last roommate didn’t like it when I’d bring friends over without telling her first. She talked to me about it, and we came to an agreement that we would let each other know ahead of time if someone was coming over.

Things like that.

Communicate openly with your roommate about what may be bothering her that you aren’t even aware of.

Keep praying and pushing through whatever situation you may be in, and know God will not waste your roommate experience! He may even call you to help other people walking through the same things later on. :)

Bonnie is a recent college grad and now a high school English teacher. While in college, she served freshman girls as a resident assistant. Her favorite ways to spend free time is through writing, being with friends and family, and growing closer to the Lord.

Read more guest posts by Bonnie.

Posted by Kara Beth & filed under College. This post has one comment.