“What If He’s The One?” – The Problem With Viewing Acquaintances As Prospective Husbands

Have you ever thought of the guys in your life as prospective husbands?

You know… You meet a cute guy and then he smiles that smile at you and your heart skips a beat and your mind runs ahead to your future dating relationship and then marriage.

Today, we’re talking about why it’s a problem to view guys as prospective husbands. I’m not talking about wondering if the guy you’re dating is the person you’re supposed to marry- that’s different. 

I’m talking about when you have a cute acquaintance that you’re wondering if he’s “the one.” Before you even truly know him. Before you’re even dating.

Constantly viewing guys as prospective husbands is a problem for four reasons:

1. It Could Hinder You From Making a Friend

When you evaluate a guy to see if he could be a potential husband, this could keep you from making a great friend.

Why?
Well, it could make you more nervous to talk to him.

Have you ever thought something like the following before?

If he could be my future husband, then I want to impress him! But how? What if I say something silly? What if I trip over my words… or my feet even? 

Suddenly, you’re facing so much self-imposed pressure to make a good impression on this guy. It can be hard to become good friends with someone if you’re self-conscious all the time. By evaluating if he could be “the one” for you, you could be keeping yourself from a friendship with a guy.

Maybe that friendship will later turn into a romantic relationship. Maybe not. But by over-focusing on the potential of a non-existent relationship, you could unintentionally stop a friendship from even happening.

2. It Causes You to Fantasize a Relationship Instead of Focusing on Reality

The book To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han was recently turned into a Netflix movie. In this book/movie, the heroine Lara Jean struggles with being in an actual relationship because she’s never been in one before. She’s only fantasized about them.

In Lara Jean’s daydreams, the relationships go as she plans. The guys say the right things and everything is perfect. But in actual encounters with guys? She freezes up. Her fantasizing has hindered her from actually knowing how to be herself around guys she likes.

Has this ever happened to you?

Have you ever seen a super cute guy and then found yourself wondering what it would be like to be his girlfriend? Maybe he was the cute barista at a local coffee shop or an attractive guy from your History class. Maybe you met him at church.

The next thing you know, you find yourself daydreaming about this guy and wondering what it would be like to date him.

You find yourself assuming qualities about him, like how the fact that he said “Yes ma’am” to an elderly woman MUST mean he is a total and complete gentleman without a single flaw. Or you may interpret his being kind to you one time as a sign that he likes you.

By wondering if this guy is potential boyfriend material, you could fail to take into account his actual qualities by applying “dream-qualities” to him.

Instead of fantasizing about a relationship with the guy, look at the reality of the situation.

Ask yourself questions such as these if you find yourself daydreaming about a  prospective husband:

• Will I ever see this guy again?
• Do I like him for reasons other than his cuteness?
• Have I been imagining his qualities, or have I actually seen proof of these qualities?
• Has he expressed interest in me, or is it all in my head?

Don’t create an imaginary relationship with a guy. Like Lara Jean discovered, it only creates a mess.

Related: The Problem With Crushes

3. It Can Cause You To Overanalyze

This goes along with the previous point of fantasizing. However, instead of daydreaming about what life would be with him or daydreaming about potential qualities, you find yourself overanalyzing everything.

Questions such “He held open the door for me- does he like me?” or “What did he mean when he said _______?” could run through your head.

When you’re trying to decipher if a particular guy is “the one,” you could over-analyze all of the fun out of a potential friendship. It could cause you to worry that he may end up disappointing you, even before he does.

Don’t kill a possible friendship by worrying and overanalyzing about if he could be your future husband. After all, you don’t even know him yet. Once you get to know him you may even discover that you could never see yourselves as being more than friends.

4. It Keeps You Marriage Focused

When you’re constantly wondering if every guy you meet could be “the one,” you’re constantly marriage focused. When you are “husband hunting” and interviewing every prospective guy in your head, you’re focused on what you don’t have- a husband.

Dear sweet sister, please hear me loud and clear, marriage won’t complete you. A husband can’t completely satisfy you. And a boyfriend isn’t what life’s all about either.

Instead of being marriage focused during your time as a single, focus on God!

I have read so many blog posts about quiet times and growing one’s relationship with God written by married women. And you know what their number one struggle is when it comes to spending time with God? The fact that they can be so distracted by marriage or their kids!

I’m not saying that marriage and kids are bad- not at all!

What I’m saying is that we, as single (non-married) girls, our focus should be on God not on finding a husband.

I think this is what Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians 7 when he said that it’s better to be single because singles can focus purely on how to please God, whereas married people are focused on BOTH pleasing God and pleasing their spouse. (I wrote more about this in this post).

Before we get married, my hope is that you and I will have an undivided devotion to the Lord. And then once we get married, I hope we still have a deep devotion to God. God should come first in our lives, no matter what our relationship status is.

But when we’re so focused on finding our future husband and focused on trying to figure out if every cute guy we meet could be him, we lose focus of our ultimate Future Husband.

Revelation talks about how someday the Church (the body of Christians) is going to marry Jesus. (Learn more here.)

Jesus is our Future Husband.

So instead of focusing on the boys here on earth and wondering if they could be “the one,” let’s focus on getting to know the One who we will ultimately spend eternity with, Jesus.

Posted by Kara Beth & filed under Singleness. This post has one comment.